Money, but make it real: who gets to decide?

By now, we've talked about saving money. We've talked about spending it. We've talked about the mental gymnastics that come with finally using the money you've spent a lifetime accumulating.

But there's another question I didn't expect to spend much time thinking about when I started talking to Darla Kashian, Director and Financial Advisor with Kashian Karels Group at Baird Private Wealth.

Who gets to decide what happens to you when you can't decide for yourself?

Who makes your medical decisions? Who can access your money? Who knows what you want? Who gets your house, your retirement account, your savings?

And perhaps most importantly for our community: did you choose that person, or did the state?

For many of us, the traditional definition of family doesn't fit. Family might be a spouse, children or a sibling. Or it might be the friend who has been beside you for 30 years and knows you better than anyone you're related to by blood.

Darla sees this as an important part of financial planning, particularly in the queer community.

"It's incredibly important in a queer community where family is a broadly defined term," she told me.

Who is your person?

Darla works with clients who don't necessarily have children who will become their support system as they age. Sometimes it's a friend. Sometimes it's a younger member of the community. Sometimes it's someone who isn't technically family at all.

The question becomes: Have you made that relationship official enough that they can actually help you when you need it?

Darla worries about people losing control over their lives as they age. She told me about clients moving into 55-plus housing who insisted that the community newsletter identify them as wives.

Why? Because they were so accustomed to being perceived as sisters that they wanted to make sure their actual relationship was recognized.

"How do you plan in a way that you continue to maintain the power of controlling your life?" Darla asked.

That's bigger than money. That's about dignity.

The paperwork nobody wants to do

Let's talk about estate planning.

I know. Nobody wants to. It's right up there with cleaning out the garage and making a dentist appointment.

But Darla calls estate planning one of her "hobby horses."

Your retirement account, life insurance policy and other assets may have named beneficiaries. Those designations can stick around for years.

Darla told me about a woman who had named her sister as the beneficiary of her retirement account when she started working. Decades later, the woman was married, but she'd never changed the beneficiary.

When she died, the money went to her sister. Her spouse was left in poverty.

It could have been avoided by one simple question: Have you checked your beneficiary information?

Darla's bigger question is even better: "Do you know what happens to your money when you die? And is that really what you mean?"

Uncomfortable? Yup. Important. Very.

Your queer money checklist

This isn't about having a million dollars. It's about making your wishes clear.

Take a look at:

• Your will: Who gets your assets?
• Health care directive: Who makes medical decisions if you can't?
• Financial power of attorney: Who can handle your finances if you can't?
• Beneficiary designations: Are they current on retirement accounts and life insurance?
• Emergency contacts: Who knows where your important documents are?
• Your chosen family: Does the person you trust actually have the legal authority to help you?
• Charitable giving: Are there organizations or causes you want to support?

That last one came up in our conversation, too. Darla was on her way to meet a client about charitable giving, something she described as a passion.

That got me thinking about how many of us in the queer community have organizations, causes and people who helped shape our lives. Maybe part of financial planning isn't simply deciding who gets your money.

Maybe it's deciding what you want your money to say about you.

Don't wait for the perfect plan

There's another piece of Darla's advice that I really appreciated.

People procrastinate. They think they need to figure everything out before they can begin.

But a less-than-perfect plan is better than no plan. Darla sees the same thing with saving. If you're 40 and haven't saved enough, don't spend your time beating yourself up about the money you didn't save at 25.

You can't recreate the past. Start now.

"If you haven't started, start," she said.

That may be the simplest financial advice in this entire series.

Money is a privilege, and a reality

I also want to acknowledge something: Talking about money is a privilege.

Not everyone has extra money to save. Some people are trying to pay the rent, buy groceries, pay down debt, support family or simply make it through the month. Financial advice can sound pretty hollow when you're just trying to get by.

But wherever you are in your financial journey, I think it's still worth thinking about money.

Maybe you're saving thousands. Maybe you're saving $25. Maybe right now you can't save anything at all.

My best, and probably most important, financial advice didn't come from a financial advisor.

It came from my grandfather during a walk when I was about 24.

He told me that no matter what I made, I should try to save at least $25 a week. More when I could.

I did.

It didn't feel like much at the time. But that tiny speck of advice helped put me on a path toward retirement.

That's why I keep coming back to the idea that money isn't just about how much you have. It's about what you do with what you have, and where you are able to start.

Maybe your number is $25. Maybe it's $5.

Maybe your first step is simply opening the envelope you've been avoiding or finally looking at your retirement account.

Wherever you are, start there.

And then she told me about a popsicle

Near the end of our conversation, I asked Darla about a piece of financial advice that had stayed with her from childhood.

She grew up poor and later borrowed $20,000 to attend college in 1988. She viewed that education as an investment that could help her get out of poverty.

But her favorite childhood money memory involves her older brother and a Dairy Queen.

When Darla was about 6, her brother would give her, her sister and himself a dime to buy a popsicle.

But they didn't pay together. They paid separately.

Why? Because there was a penny tax if they paid together.

Her 9-year-old brother had figured out that they could save a penny by making three separate purchases.

Darla still remembers it.

"I could observe in my nine-year-old brother, like, why wouldn't you save a penny if you could?"

It's a funny story. But there's something deeper in it.

Pay attention. Know what you have. Know what you want.

And don't be embarrassed to talk about money. Because money isn't just about numbers. It's about choices.

It's about independence. It's about the people you love. It's about the life you've built.

And ultimately, it's about making sure that when the big decisions come, you get to decide.

 A quick note: This is part three of a three-part series on money. I'm writing it because, as a newly retired person myself, I think these are conversations worth having, even when they make us squirm a little. Darla's insight is genuinely helpful, but this isn't a substitute for your own financial professional. Consider it a nudge to start the conversation, not the final word.